The decision to start therapy with your partner isn’t an easy one. You or your partner may decide to pursue therapy in New Jersey for relationship issues. These issues could include communication, trust, intimacy, family blending, divorce-related concerns, and more. Undoubtedly, these are valid motivations to seek therapeutic support. However, there may be underlying factors beyond your awareness that impact how well you trust, communicate, and work together. You might wonder, what could that be? The answer is trauma.

By Jaunai Staton, LAMFT

Trauma refers to distressing events or experiences that significantly impact the mental and physical health of those involved. It can stem from emotional or physical abuse, neglect, betrayal, loss, and more. Trauma causes feelings of fear, helplessness, or powerlessness. You might have experienced trauma before and not even realized it.

We know that trauma can have a profound impact on individuals, but we also need to consider how that impacts your relationship. Sometimes our relationships with others shine a light on trauma that could be hidden beneath the surface. Hidden trauma can make it difficult to confront relationship issues. This adds another layer of complexity to seeking therapy.

How Does Trauma Affect A Relationship?

Have you considered how past experiences and trauma influence your relationship? Perhaps you and your partner struggle to talk openly about your past. Indeed, effective communication can be impaired by the effects of trauma. Individuals who have experienced trauma may find it challenging to articulate their emotions and express their needs. This results in misunderstandings, arguments, and unsuccessful attempts to resolve conflicts. When the effects of trauma show up in a relationship, it makes communication, trust, and emotional connection difficult.

It’s easy to attribute these issues to your partner’s personality. You might wonder why they react the way that they do. But what if you or your partner are dealing with the aftermath of trauma? Here are some examples of how trauma can show up in relationships:

• Communication. You or your partner may have created emotional barriers that make it difficult to bring up tough topics. Past trauma can make you feel vulnerable, fearful, and untrusting. You may avoid opening up about your struggles. It can feel like you need to protect yourself from potential pain. This manifests in emotional withdrawal and hesitation to share feelings.
• Caretaking. If your past trauma left you or your partner responsible for the wellbeing of others, you’re probably used to the caretaker role. One or both of you may take on more responsibilities and caregiving roles. This shift causes imbalances in the relationship, leading to feelings of overwhelm and resentment. On the other hand, if your past trauma left you fending for yourself in the world, you might have a difficult time letting others, like your partner, care for you. This can cause emotional distance and misunderstandings in your relationships.
• Trust. If one partner has gone through a traumatic experience related to trust, it may be tough to establish trust with one another. Trauma related to trust can also cause feelings of insecurity. The traumatized partner has been burned before and doesn’t want to get burned again. Meanwhile, their partner is wondering what they’ve done wrong to not earn trust in the relationship.
• Intimacy. Physical or emotional intimacy requires a sense of safety. And as I mentioned before, traumatic experiences can make you feel vulnerable and fearful. For traumatized partners, building or sustaining intimacy and emotional closeness in the relationship can become a challenge.

The aftermath of trauma is often viewed in a negative light because of the profound effect it has on people. However, healing from that aftermath of trauma is an opportunity for growth. What if trauma can help you grow in your relationship? Believe it or not, with the support of therapy, talking about trauma can actually bring you and your partner together.

What Does It Mean To Be Trauma Bonded To Someone?

So how do couples who have experienced trauma find ways to heal, rather than retraumatize one another? First, let’s talk about the difference between trauma bonding and bonding through trauma.

Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, refers to a complex psychological phenomenon. This is when individuals develop an emotional connection and attachment to their abuser or captor. It occurs in abusive or traumatic situations. The victim may perceive intermittent kindness from the abuser. The victim may even feel a dependence on them. This emotional bond can make it challenging for the victim to leave the abusive relationship. The victim may feel trapped, dependent, or concerned that leaving could lead to further harm. The victim may also experience conflicting emotions of fear, loyalty, and attachment towards their abuser. Trauma bonding is a survival mechanism to cope.

Alternatively, if you and your partner have shared similar traumatic experiences, you might feel a heightened connection to one another. Bonding over these shared traumas can create a profound and meaningful link between individuals who have faced similar challenges. The shared understanding that comes from having experienced similar traumas allows for empathy and validation. It provides a safe space where thoughts, emotions, and vulnerabilities can be shared openly. In this unique dynamic, individuals can offer each other encouragement, comfort, and understanding. They know firsthand the difficulties they have encountered and triumphed over. This is what it means to bond through trauma.

How To Stop Past Trauma From Ruining Your Relationship

If you’re struggling in your relationship because of the effects of trauma, you might not know how to start the healing process with your partner. Let’s explore some of the DOs and DO NOTs of healing from trauma in your relationship:

• DO create a safe space by listening. DO NOT assume that you already know about your partner’s past.
• DO validate each other’s experiences and emotions, acknowledging the impact of the trauma on both of you. Validate each other’s emotions and show empathy. DO NOT avoid, dismiss, or minimize your partner’s feelings about their trauma, even if you would have handled it differently.
• DO prioritize self-care individually and as a couple. Do things that you enjoy together. Also find time to enjoy your interests separately. Self-care can help with relaxation, stress reduction, and emotional well-being. DO NOT indulge in unhealthy behaviors and neglect you or your partner’s health.
• DO acknowledge strength in surviving the trauma. Focus on fostering hope for the future by celebrating milestones and small victories along the healing journey. DO NOT use your partner’s trauma against them during conflicts. It’s essential to handle disagreements respectfully and constructively.
• DO create a strong support system within the relationship. This means fostering trust, empathy, and a shared commitment to healing. DO NOT rush the healing process or expect quick fixes. Healing from trauma takes time and effort, and everyone’s journey is different.

The impact of trauma on couples can vary depending on factors. This includes the nature and severity of the trauma, the ability of the individuals to adapt and cope, and the presence of support networks. By fostering understanding, patience, and support, couples can navigate these challenges together and embark on a healing journey.

Can A Relationship Survive Trauma?

The short answer is yes. By prioritizing the healing of each individual and nurturing the well-being of the relationship, you and your partner can embark on a journey of recovery. Healing can help you foster a stronger and more resilient connection. Recovering from trauma together means communicating openly and honestly, rebuilding trust, developing emotional regulation skills, and offering mutual support to each other. Through these efforts, you can create a solid foundation for growth and a deeper bond in your relationship.

Couples Counseling In New Jersey

Seeking the assistance of a therapist, such as those at Mindful Connections Counseling, can play a vital role in supporting couples dealing with trauma. Therapists can provide couples with the necessary tools, strategies, and guidance to navigate the complexities of trauma and foster healing within their relationship.

Get Started With New Jersey Couples Therapy

Here at Mindful Connections, we want to help heal relationship trauma in New Jersey. Our New Jersey marriage counselors work with a wide range of couples–-it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or what your marital status is. We’re here to help you and your partner find a path forward, whatever that may look like.

You can reach us by calling (201) 273-8098 or emailing Contact@MindfulCCnj.com. One of our team members will contact you within one business day (excluding holidays) for an initial, complimentary phone consultation.

Trauma Therapy Near Metuchen, New Jersey

If you and your partner aren’t quite ready to attend couples therapy together, consider meeting individually with a New Jersey Trauma Therapist. Your trauma therapist in New Jersey can help you find your strength and resiliency to keep going on. Your behavior and your intentions can start to match up. You can find pieces of yourself again that you thought were lost forever. We offer in person therapy in Metuchen, NJ. We also serve the entire state via online therapy in New Jersey.

Contact us today to get started with individual therapy for trauma and/or couples therapy for trauma.

Our New Jersey therapists also offer help to children, teens, families, and parents. Reaching out is the first step to finding harmony in your life and relationships.