By: Taylor Zanon, LAMFT (she/her)
As you may be wondering, I’ve heard about codependency on TikTok but never truly understood what it meant. There have been many interpretations and misconceptions about codependency, so let’s break it down. Simply put, codependency happens when one person’s well-being becomes solely wrapped up in another person’s life or problems.
So, what does this look like in real life?
What is Codependency?
Picture this: you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly focused on your partner’s needs while yours take a backseat. It’s like being on an emotional seesaw where you always put their side down and yours up. You might find yourself playing detective with their problems, trying to fix everything while your life starts falling apart, and saying ‘no’. That feels almost impossible – the thought might make your stomach backflip.
When Self-Worth Gets Tangled in Relationships
Self-esteem is a huge piece of this puzzle. When you’re in a codependent relationship, you might find yourself feeling good only when you’re needed. Your value comes from being someone’s go-to person, problem solver, and rock. Sound familiar?
And here’s the scary part – the thought of losing that role, of being rejected or left behind, can feel terrifying. So you might stay in situations that don’t feel right just because the idea of being alone feels worse. Sometimes, you might even try to control everything your partner does (like giving unwanted advice or trying to manage their life) because if you can ‘fix’ all their problems, they won’t leave… right?
But here’s the thing: your worth isn’t measured by how much someone else needs you. You’re valuable just as you are, even when you’re not solving someone else’s problems.
The Emotional Toll
Here’s another tricky part – bottling up your feelings. You might catch yourself hiding how you feel just to keep the peace. For example, when your friend makes choices that worry you, but instead of having that tough conversation, you find yourself making excuses for them or covering up the consequences. Before you know it, you’re so wrapped up in their life that you can barely remember who you are outside of being their support system.
What are the signs of a codependent person?
Here’s what this looks like in real life: You constantly cancel plans with friends because your partner is having another crisis. Maybe they’re making choices that hurt themselves, but you feel like you have to be there to catch them when they fall. Or perhaps you’re putting up with someone talking down to you or making you feel small because, deep down, you believe that if you just love them enough, they’ll change.
Does any of this hit close to home? If it does, don’t worry – recognizing these patterns is the first step toward something better. The road to healthier relationships isn’t about becoming a different person; it’s about remembering who you are beyond being someone’s support system. This might mean talking to a therapist, learning to set loving limits, and caring for yourself for a change: small steps, big difference.
Let’s break down what this means specifically for young adults…
Codependency in Young Adults
Being a young adult is complicated enough – you’re trying to figure out your career, relationships, and, honestly, just who you are. It’s like juggling all these different parts of your life while trying to build meaningful connections. And that’s precisely why codependency can sneak up on you during these years. Your twenties are already an emotional roller coaster, making it easy to fall into patterns where you lose yourself in other people’s needs.
Think about it: you’re dealing with your first serious relationship, navigating changing friendships, all while trying to make your mark in the world. That’s a lot! And when you add family expectations and social pressures to the mix, it’s no wonder that some of us end up putting everyone else’s needs before our own.
9 Key Symptoms of Codependency in Young Adults
What does codependency look like when you’re young? It’s basically what happens when you start putting everyone else’s needs, feelings, and approval ahead of your own. This could be with your partner, your friends, or even that mentor you look up to. Do you know that feeling when you’re constantly wondering if you’re doing enough for someone else but completely forgetting what you need? Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about here.
Here are some signs you might notice in your own life:
- Organizing your whole schedule around someone else’s needs
- Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault just to keep the peace
- Keeping quiet about what you want because you’re afraid of rocking the boat
- Feeling like it’s your job to “fix” everything when your friend or partner is struggling
- Staying up all night texting a friend through their crisis, then struggling through your workday
- Checking your partner’s location constantly because you’re worried about them
- Putting your own goals on the back burner to focus on someone else’s life
- Only feeling good about yourself when you’re helping others
- Getting anxiety when you try to say “no” to someone
You might be wondering why this seems to hit 20-somethings particularly hard. And I’ll tell you why.
Why Young Adults Develop Codependent Tendencies
Identity & Self-Discovery: Your 20s are about figuring out who you are. While you’re still working that out, it’s easy to get wrapped up in what others want you to be
Social Pressure: The fear of being alone or “left out” can make you go overboard trying to keep relationships.
Learning Boundaries: Nobody hands you a manual for healthy relationships! It takes time to learn where to draw the line.
Society’s Messages: When social media constantly shows you #relationshipgoals, it’s hard to know what’s healthy.
Next, your family story comes into play…
How Our Families Impact Codependency
Let’s talk about where these patterns often start – your family. Growing up, you might have learned some tough lessons about relationships:
- Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: Maybe you grew up in a home where someone’s addiction or mental health struggles meant you had to be the “responsible one”, neglecting your own needs to survive.
- Enmeshment: Perhaps your family was so close-knit that nobody had their own space or privacy.
- Parental Expectations: Maybe you learned that love meant getting straight A’s and being “perfect,” so you seek validation from other relationships.
- Neglect or Emotional Absence: Your emotional needs weren’t met, so you try extra hard to meet everyone else’s while neglecting your own.
Breaking Free: Your Recovery Plan
Ready to make some changes? Here’s what can help:
- Talk it out: Therapy is like having a guide who can help you spot these patterns and change them
- Learn to say “no”: Think of boundaries as your personal force field – they protect you while letting the good stuff in
- Build yourself up: Find things that make you feel awesome that have nothing to do with helping others
- Understand your story: Knowing how your family shaped you can help you write a new chapter
Here’s the good news: once you start noticing these patterns in your life, you can begin building good relationships where both people support each other while still having their own lives. Instead of walking on eggshells or worried about being left behind, you can create connections where you both feel free to be yourselves. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being honest with each other. If this sounds out of reach, maybe you haven’t found the right help yet.
Adult And Teen Therapy in Metuchen, NJ: How It Helps Overcome Codependent Patterns
Untangling these relationship patterns isn’t something you must figure out alone – that’s where therapy comes in. Think of a therapist as your guide who can help you navigate all this. They’re like a friendly GPS for your emotional journey, helping you spot the patterns you might not see on your own and showing you new ways to handle challenging situations.
In therapy, you’ll learn that putting yourself first sometimes is okay (a wild concept, right?). You’ll also discover how to set boundaries without feeling guilty, build up your confidence, and handle those scary “what if” thoughts that come with making changes in your life.
And here’s something important to remember: breaking free from codependent patterns takes time, and that’s completely normal. While it might feel overwhelming, you can create balanced and healthy relationships with the proper support and self-compassion. You’ve got this, and we’ve got your back.
Ready To Stop Being Codependent? The Next Steps to Take
Getting help for codependency is easier than you might think. It starts with scheduling an appointment to meet with a therapist. And not just any therapist, but one who understands codependency with empathy.
Here’s how to begin:
- Reach out through our website or give us a call – we’ll get back to you within 24 hours
- Have a free 15-minute consultation call to make sure we’re a good fit
- Schedule your first session with a therapist who specializes in helping young adults navigate relationship patterns
We offer in-person and virtual sessions to fit your schedule and comfort level.
Looking for Services Besides Codependency Support?
At Mindful Connections Counseling in NJ, we also provide:
- Individual therapy for building self-esteem, setting boundaries, and managing anxiety
- Couples counseling for fixing dysfunctional relationship patterns
- Parent coaching for finding harmony in your family
- Family therapy to heal generational trauma and stress
- Blog posts and resources about mental health topics relevant to young adults
