Ever had that feeling that something’s off in your relationship, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? As a therapist, I often see couples struggling with that uncertainty. That’s why I love sharing concrete research and terminology that helps make sense of relationship challenges, and how to overcome them.
Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking research discovered something fascinating – four specific behaviors that can actually predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. He called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and understanding them could be game-changing for your relationship.
1. Criticism: When Every Conversation Becomes An Attack
Let’s talk about criticism. We all experience complaints sometimes – that’s normal. But there’s a big difference between “I’m frustrated that the dishes are piling up” and “You’re such a lazy person who never helps around here.” See the difference? One addresses a specific situation, while the other attacks who someone is as a person.
You might notice your partner:
- Starting sentences with “You always…” or “You never…”
- Attacking your personality instead of discussing specific issues
- Turning every disagreement into a character assassination
- Finding fault with who you are rather than what you did
2. Defensiveness: Getting Stuck In Defense Mode
Here’s something I see all the time in couples therapy: one partner raises an issue, and immediately, the other partner becomes defensive. It’s a natural reaction – nobody likes feeling attacked. But when your partner‘s defensiveness becomes their go-to response, it creates a wall between you.
When your partner is stuck in defensive mode, you might notice them:
- Making excuses (“I didn’t do it because you…”)
- Cross-complaining (“Well, you do the same thing”)
- Yes-butting everything (“Yes, but if you hadn’t…”)
- Playing the victim when confronted with concerns
- Turning every discussion into a counter-attack
3. Contempt: When Disgust Enters The Picture
Think about interactions where your partner seems to look down on you. Might seem small at first, right? But according to Dr. Gottman’s research, contempt – that feeling of disgust or superiority from your partner – is actually the deadliest of all relationship patterns. It’s like emotional poison that slowly seeps into every interaction.
You might notice your partner:
- Rolling their eyes during your conversations, as if everything you say is unimportant
- Making sarcastic comments like “Oh, great job” when you try to help
- Mocking you, even if they say they’re “just joking”, but it doesn’t feel funny at all
- Speaking to you like you’re beneath them
- Using humor that cuts deep
4. Stonewalling: The Wall of Silence
Have you experienced times when your partner completely shuts down during an argument? Maybe they walk away, stop responding, or give you the silent treatment. This is what Dr. Gottman calls stonewalling, and it’s often the last horseman to appear in struggling relationships.
You might notice your partner:
- Physically leaving the room during arguments
- Giving one-word responses like “fine” or “whatever”
- Busying themselves with their phone instead of engaging
- Refusing to make eye contact or respond
- Acting like they’re “too busy” to have the conversation
I see this pattern most often when couples are just so overwhelmed that they don’t know what else to do. And here’s something interesting – Dr. Gottman’s research shows that men tend to stonewall more often than women. This usually happens because their bodies are physically flooded with stress hormones, making it literally impossible to have a productive conversation at that moment.
The Good News? These Patterns Aren’t A Death Sentence
Here’s what I love about sharing this research with couples: just recognizing these patterns is a huge first step toward changing them. It’s like finally having a name for something that’s been bothering you for ages. Once you can identify what’s happening, you can start working on it together.
When you notice these patterns, here are some changes you can work on together:
Instead of criticism, try encouraging:
- Focus on specific situations instead of character attacks
- Use of “I feel” statements to express needs
- Talking about what’s wanted rather than what’s wrong with each other
When contempt appears:
- Take a step back and remember why you chose each other
- Look for things to appreciate, even in difficult moments
- Consider what stress or pain might be fueling the negative feelings
To move past defensiveness:
- Take responsibility for your part in the issue, no matter how small.
- Listen to understand your partner’s perspective. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next. (We’re all guilty of it!)
- Ask open-ended questions to clarify your partner’s feelings.
And when stonewalling occurs:
- Call a timeout (use the phrase “I need a pause”)
- Agree to take breaks (but set a specific time to return to the conversation)
- Use that time to actually calm down – go for a walk, do some deep breathing
- Return to the conversation when you’re both ready to engage
Finding Support When You Notice The Signs of Divorce
You’re not alone if reading about these patterns made you think “This sounds exactly like my relationship.” Many couples go through periods where communication breaks down and these destructive patterns take over. The question isn’t whether these issues are happening – it’s what you want to do about them.
When Is It Time For Marriage Or Divorce Counseling in Edison NJ?
If you’re recognizing multiple warning signs in your relationship, it might be time to reach out for support. Divorce counseling isn’t just for couples who’ve decided to end their marriage. In fact, many couples find that getting professional help when they first notice these patterns helps them rebuild their connection before it’s too late.
Professional support can help with:
- Understanding which patterns are showing up in your relationship
- Learning new ways to communicate that bring you closer instead of pushing you apart
- Breaking free from destructive cycles that leave both partners feeling hurt and misunderstood
- Rebuilding trust and connection, even if it feels impossible right now
Remember, reaching out for help isn’t a sign of failure – it’s a sign that your relationship matters enough to fight for. Whether you’re trying to save your marriage or navigate a separation with respect and understanding, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Ready to Start Marriage or Pre-Divorce Counseling in NJ?
- Schedule a Free 15-minute Consultation with one of our Marriage Therapists in NJ
- Learn new communication tools that you can incorporate into your relationship.
- Rebuild the connection you once shared!
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Beyond our specialized support for couples experiencing relationship challenges, our team provides a wide range of therapeutic services to meet your unique needs. Our team is happy to also offer support for in-person and online therapy services including couples therapy, eating disorder treatment, premarital counseling, support with infidelity, child therapy, BIPOC therapy, and teen therapy. We also offer divorce therapy, family therapy, and parent coaching. In addition, we also offer therapy for trauma, anxiety, grief, EMDR therapy, mind body wellness, and cannabis-informed therapy. Feel free to visit our FAQ or blog to learn more!
